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  Whenever we’re together, I feel off kilter, like everything is always spinning. Sometimes he looks at me and I swear my heart flips in my chest or sometimes, even stops. The first couple of times it happened, I thought there was actually something wrong with it, but I’m starting to think it’s not my heart and it’s just me. Sometimes I sit and watch him while he’s talking and just stare at his lips. It’s not like I’m expecting them to have some hidden answer for me, but I can’t look away.

  I want him to kiss me again and every single time I think it, I immediately feel my cheeks get hot, even when we’re not together. He sits so close sometimes that I get overwhelmed by the smell of him. It reminds me of the park and even though some scents overwhelm me and bring about bad responses, his doesn’t. On top of being obsessive over things with him, I also seem to be addicted.

  Is this what it feels like to like someone? Is this what other girls feel when they see a boy they like, spend time with him or even get kissed by him, or is this just another way I’m completely wrong and weird?

  “Isabelle, is everything alright?”

  It takes me a minute to register but when I do, I feel bad. I’m doing it again. I’m supposed to be focusing on one of the things I’m good at and I’m thinking about him again. My mom called me on it over the weekend too. I seem to start thinking about him and get this dreamy look on my face. If it looks anything like the girls I’ve seen in movies doing it, it’s pathetic. I don’t want to be caught looking like that.

  “Yes, Ms. Taylor, I’m fine.”

  I want to say no, I’m not fine and that I won’t be fine until she tells me exactly what Kayden talked to her about earlier, but I don’t do it. It’s really none of my business what they’re talking about.

  Maybe he finally realized he’s better off without me and he’s trying to get her help with it. He’s been with me for almost two weeks straight now and even though it’s the last thing I want to happen, I’ve been waiting for the day when it would. Maybe now’s that time. He’s finally figured out how useless I am.

  If he wants that, then why did he kiss you three days ago?

  Before I can answer myself, I hear Ms. Taylor speak again and the minute she does, my heart starts hammering in my chest. All of this thinking about Kayden has messed with something that before I would have had no problem with.

  “Please bring your papers to the front.”

  My half empty paper stares back at me and I swear if papers could show emotion, this one would be laughing at me. I don’t like the way this makes me feel. I’m not supposed to be like this.

  It’s all Kayden’s fault. It’s those green eyes and the smile he always seems to have for me. The way he looks after practice when he’s still suited up and his hair’s all sweaty.

  Yeah, it’s definitely his fault.

  He’s screwing everything up for me. As much as I don’t understand it, I think I might be falling for him.

  Falling for Kayden can’t happen. Not when he’s the very person that taught me eight years ago exactly what a broken heart feels like.

  Kayden

  Something’s wrong.

  She’s barely texted anything since I picked her up from class and she won’t even look at me. She’s not looking at me when I’m looking at her anyway, which I’m doing a lot. I can’t seem to take my eyes off her.

  I know she’s probably wondering what happened earlier when I stopped to talk to her teacher and I really want to tell her, but I can’t. I don’t have a whole lot of experience with this and even less with asking for help, so the fact that I did it at all says a whole lot about how serious I am about this.

  When I said I wanted to start at the beginning, I wasn’t lying. I’ve kept true to my word too. I’m a guy, so of course when I do catch her looking at me, like she did this morning, I can’t help the way my body reacts and the urge to kiss her that follows. I’m dealing with it though and so far, I think I’ve done really well.

  We’re doing the same routine as always and it’s just as easy as it was the first day, but I can tell, for her, it’s not going to be that easy. She seems lost and I want to know why. I don’t want her thinking that because I can’t tell her what I’m doing with Ms. Taylor that I’m keeping things from her or doing something that will hurt her.

  “You okay?” I ask, keeping my voice light.

  The text comes through instantly as it begins vibrating across the grass in front of me.

  Yeah. Why does everyone keep asking me that today?

  “Who else asked you?” I question, wondering who else has noticed the strange way she’s acting. With Eric not coming within a foot of her since the two of us started hanging out, I have no idea who it could be.

  Ms. Taylor. She asked me in class.

  Well that makes sense.

  “Amy and Charlotte got back today. I guess she’s worried, like I am that you’re going to have a hard time with it.”

  I’m not made of glass Kayden.

  Yeah, there it is.

  I’m not the smartest guy in the world, but even I can tell something’s wrong. She never answers me like that, even when I’ve upset her. I just don’t have the first clue how to make her open up about it. I want her to give me a happy face again just so I know that somewhere in her mind, she’s okay.

  “I know that, but it’s a big deal. They hurt you, Belle.”

  I’ve been calling her Belle a lot more lately. I like the way it sounds better than her full name. The first few times I did it, there was this weird look in her eye, like maybe I shouldn’t have done it. After awhile she stopped giving the look though and I figured everything was alright.

  “I know that. Can you please tell me what’s wrong? You’re acting weird.”

  The minute the word comes out I know I’ve chosen the wrong one. I do that a lot with her, but the way her body seems to freeze, I know I’ve picked the worst possible one this time, well other then calling her a retard, something I won’t ever do.

  Isabelle doesn’t exactly go out of her way to talk about it, but I get the feeling she wants nothing more than to be like everyone else. In fact, the way she looks at some of the other girls in the hall speaks to it. She tries to hide it, but she frowns sometimes when she sees groups of girls talking and laughing, some even talking about guys. She wants to be like them and can’t be.

  If I’m so weird, why are you still here?

  I’m about to tell her exactly why I’m there, words I’ve never spoken to another human being in my life, let alone another girl, but I stop myself. Now is not the right time for that and besides, we still haven’t talked about the kiss we shared the other day, so I have no idea if she even thinks about me that way.

  God, this is so frustrating. Every time I think I take steps forward with her, I seem to be pushed right back. I just want her to let me in. If she did that, then maybe we could work together and fix everything she thinks is wrong with her, even though I don’t see anything wrong with her at all.

  “You really wanna know why I’m here, Isabelle?” I ask using her full name this time, making sure she’s aware of how serious I am. She needs to know this isn’t a joke to me.

  Yes.

  “Because you’re the only real friend I have.”

  It’s the truth. Maybe it’s not exactly what I want to say, but it doesn’t make it any less true. She really has become a friend to me. I’ve got a lot of friends, but with her, it’s not because of a position I play on a team or because of the way I look. It’s because she actually sees me.

  I need to go. I’m sorry Kayden.

  I start to get up the minute the text comes through and she holds out her hand to stop me as she gets to her feet. It’s only when the next message comes through that I realize why she’s stopping me.

  Alone. I need to be alone.

  For the first time since the day my mom walked out and never came back, I feel it. As I watch her turn and walk away from me, I’m twisted inside and I hate every second of it.
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  I feel my heart breaking.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Kayden

  “Kayden, I didn’t think I was going to see you until later.”

  When Isabelle took off, I wasn’t entirely sure what to do. With as much time as I’ve been spending with her, I knew I couldn’t just get up and find Dillon and the others and honestly, I didn’t want to do that anyway. I couldn’t stay there under that tree though. The longer I did it, the worse I felt because of just what that stupid tree meant.

  It’s only right to sit there when she’s with me. It never had meaning before I started spending time with her and if she’s going to walk away and leave me alone; it was going to go back to being that way. Nothing about staying there felt right without her.

  When I dropped Isabelle off and talked to Ms. Taylor, I was actually setting up a time to come see her and talk to her about things. My idea to go back to the start meant that first I had to learn everything I could about Autism. If I want to spend time with Isabelle, I couldn’t do it without understanding exactly what it is she goes through. Once I understand, maybe I can change the way it’s looked at. Who better to change a bunch of kid’s minds then one of the most popular guys in school? Even if lately that social standing is falling apart by the second.

  I want to know her, every single thing about her. A lot of that is what she deals with every single day, both the good and the bad. I need to learn all I can about autism and what it really means, so I can move forward with the promise I made myself that day in my car.

  “You were, but I’ve got practice after school today. I should’ve remembered that before.”

  “Well, we can do this now.” She answers and I smile weakly, thankful she’s willing to fit me in. “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but where is Isabelle?”

  I know I’m here to learn about her, but do I really have to talk about her? I don’t want to admit that I upset her again, for what feels like the hundredth time this week and she took off on me. If I do that, Ms. Taylor will see me for the screw up that I am and won’t help me.

  I can’t risk that. I need her help.

  “She wanted some time alone. I guess I’ve been smothering her lately.”

  “Don’t think like that, dear. I’ve never seen her happy like this before. I think what you’re doing is good for her.”

  What Isabelle has she been seeing, because with the way the one I’ve been hanging out with has been acting lately, it doesn’t seem like I’m making her happy at all. In fact, I think I might be doing the opposite. Ever since the kiss, even though we go through the motions, I can tell things are different.

  I screwed up—again.

  “Not sure about that Ms. T, but I’m hoping that maybe doing this might help.”

  “Well, why don’t you tell me what you need my help with and I’ll see what I can do?” she asks with a smile.

  “How much do you actually know about Autism?” I realize it’s a stupid question the minute the words come out, but I can’t take them back. She’s a special needs teacher for crying out loud, she has to know a hell of a lot about it. “Sorry, I mean, what can you tell me about it?”

  “It’s okay, Kayden. Sometimes teachers get moved around and a lot of times we get placed with students that we don’t entirely understand or haven’t been informed about. It’s okay that you asked it like that. Can I ask why you want to know about autism?”

  Well shit, I thought that was pretty obvious lady. I think to myself but don’t dare say.

  If it wasn’t for Isabelle and the way she’s been making me see things differently, questioning everything I’ve ever known or believed, I don’t think I would be here at all. I would still be hanging with the same bunch of assholes, doing the same horrible things without a second thought to how she felt.

  “I want to understand Isabelle better. I know that there’s more to her than just her problems because I’ve seen it, but in order to know her the way I want to, I think I need to know more about what she actually deals with.”

  I swear to god, this is the most I’ve ever said to a teacher in one sitting before. Sure, I talk to Coach a lot, but definitely not like this. It’s mostly back and forth and always about sports. I’m doing something new right now and I’m not entirely sure how I feel about it. It’s strange.

  “Honestly, I figured it had to do with her. I just wanted to see if you would tell me.”

  She laughs and I smile weakly back at her. Who knew teachers had sense of humors?

  “Isabelle has what the medical professionals call High Functioning Autism. As I’m sure you’ve seen, there are some weaknesses, but for every weakness she has, she has double it in strengths.”

  “Is her inability to speak one of those weaknesses?” I ask, needing to know the answer. It’s not the most important thing to me, but it does rank pretty high.

  “Yes, in a way it does have to do with it, but Isabelle is a bit of an anomaly in that regard it seems.”

  “What does that mean exactly?”

  “Isabelle struggled with speech for a very large part of her childhood. She eventually came into her own with the help of speech therapy, but it doesn’t mean that she doesn’t struggle to this day. What I was getting at is, with Isabelle, there’s also a fear that seems to trigger her silence. So I do not believe her inability to speak in a social setting is autism related, at least not entirely.”

  “What can cause her to be like this? Is it because of everything people have said and done to her?”

  “It could be, but from what I’ve seen, she’s been struggling with this for some time. Her mother and I have spoken about it and it appears as though there is more to it then bullying, though I can’t say that what’s been done to her has helped in the slightest.”

  She levels me with this look and I know it’s a dig at me. I used to be one of the worst offenders where she’s concerned and the teachers know it. I’m the reason everything’s gotten this bad with her. I don’t need to be reminded. It’s just fact.

  “What else can you tell me about her?”

  “Well, I can sit here and tell you everything that I’m sure you already know, but I don’t believe that will help you. So I’ll tell you things that you probably don’t know. She loves anything to do with math. Well, I can’t say that she loves math, but she loves the numbers. She’s got an amazing visual memory and just seeing a problem on the board, she can work it out easily in her head.”

  “You’re aware of her penchant for writing as I have already shown you. She also likes to draw, but it was like pulling teeth to learn that one.”

  Doing this was definitely the right thing. I’m learning so much about her just in the little bit that Ms. Taylor is telling me that I feel closer to her then I did before. I hate to admit it, but with as long as I spent believing that because she didn’t talk, she was actually stupid, I’m shocked to learn how smart she really is.

  “If someone needed help in math, could they get help from her?” I ask stupidly, but selfishly at the same time. I’ve hated math since the second grade and it’s only gotten harder for me as the years went on. If she could help, it would be awesome.

  “She has the knowledge to help college students, Kayden, so of course one could go to her for help. It’s a sad reality that because of her issues in speech that most won’t.”

  She’s right about that. We all believe her to be defective and considering her other issues, we’re afraid to get up close and personal with her or that’s how it used to be, at least for me.

  “What are some of her struggles? I mean I know some, like her accidents and the speech thing, even her aversion to loud noises and yelling, but what else is there?”

  “She has sensory issues as it relates to certain surroundings and struggles as it pertains to food textures. I’m not sure if you’ve ever come across this since the two of you have gotten close, but when she enters a room where there are a lot of things and/or people that she isn’t used to, she tends to meltdown.�
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  I‘ve seen that. My mind flashes to the way she was in the bathroom the day I found her and my stomach turns. There wasn’t all that much in there to be stimulated by, but I have no doubt that she was broken then. It’s all I have to go on.

  “When she has what they call a meltdown, she reacts, but it’s not in the way you or I would. She will hit herself, she will cry and as you are aware, she will lose control of her bodily functions. It is like her entire body just shuts down, or breaks. She has learned quite a few coping strategies over the years, but sometimes, depending how far into one of the episodes she is, they may not work in time.”

  I remember a little of the way she used to be when we were kids and I remember her hitting herself. I just assumed it was because she was frustrated. It’s something about her I never found weird because I did the same thing when I used to get really pissed off.

  “What you need to remember most, Kayden, is that she isn’t what people believe her to be. I know I used the word break earlier, but she is not broken. She is not defective and she most definitely isn’t retarded, slow or stupid. She is just different. She is uniquely Isabelle.”

  “I know that, Ms. T. I think I’m the only one besides you that gets it. I just think that maybe I learned a little too late. I can’t seem to do anything right with her.”

  “Would you like to know a secret?”

  “Sure, I guess.”

  “Today when she should have been doing her math, I caught her doing something out of character. It was actually the first time I have ever seen her do it.”

  “What was she doing?” I ask, more curious to know now then when she first brought it up. When I leave her here every day, I have no idea how she acts, but it looks like I’m about to get a bird’s eye view and I can’t wait.

  “She had her head leaning on her hand and this glazed over look in her eye and no matter how old you get, you always know what that look means. Add that to her being angled toward the door and it was pretty easy to see what was going on.”